I think from now on I am going to never open my mouth in public again… and if I even GO ANYWHERE in public, I will confine myself to the discrete little chair in the far, dark corner.
Let me give some examples as to why…. Welcome to my life. My everyday life. And I mean “every” day.
Sunday… Two days ago (26-Apr-09)
1. Not really interested in sitting in the church all afternoon between church services, I decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and go shopping. Not a cloud in the sky and the sun shining bright, I decided to open the sun roof. I finished my bargain-hunting fairly quickly. I got in the checkout line, looked out the window, and saw it pouring cats and dogs (well, actually it was more like rain drops and water)…. “Oh no…. did I leave my sunroof open…?” I’ve never been waited on by a slower cashier in all my life. The rain stopped… I was completely checked out… I walked outside. Spotted my car. *grrrr…… angry feet stomping….* “Crap….!!!” (not the classiest word, I know).... My sunroof was cracked open still. My brand new leather interior was soaked. My radio was soaked. My steering wheel was soaked. Needless to say, I was late for choir practice…. And this is only the beginning. Welcome to my life.
Monday… Yesterday (27-Apr-09):
1. Talking to some people, I turned around and *BAMM!* walked right into someone’s head. My head bounced off hers… a room has never been so silent before… a room has never felt so hot before… – even my ears were beet red. My boss looked at me and made facial expressions showing his concern over my overly-heated face. I simply did my “oh… you know… I pulled a ‘Heather’… again…” look, and he knew. His carefree laughter followed quickly, for he could only imagine what I had done this time.
2. Since I drove my car the last two times we went out to lunch, Doug decided he would drive us in his truck this time. A very large truck. High-off-the-ground truck. Hard-to-climb-into-with-a-short-skirt truck. (I’m sure you can guess where this is going…) Getting in was quite a chore… getting out was another story. I was able to just kinda slide out when my hands were empty, but when we got back to work and I was carrying the two bags full of left-overs (office party) --- well, I tried to slide out… but my left foot got stuck in the truck. Janet was kind enough to catch me after she saw me hopping around on my right foot with my left foot still in the truck. What a site that must have been. People (of course) are standing around everywhere watching this catastrophe take place. Laughing. While Janet and I look like we are doing some new, twisted sort of dance…. Enough said.
3. Trying to hook a phone up in a cubicle in our office to see if there was still a working phone line in that location, I quickly tried to get up, and *WHAM!*…. “Ooowww…. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch…. I’m okayyy… the desk is okay.” (Oooww…). Now I had a knot on the back of my head to match the one on the front of my face.
4. Finally, the workday ended, and home-sweet-home was wonderful. Heating up my left-over steak in the microwave… the buzzer was just about to sound (in .7 seconds), when… *BOOM!* my steak blew up in the microwave. “What… in the…… MOM?!....” I pulled my steak (of what was left of it) out of the microwave, only to find that the 19.57 seconds in WAS in the microwave for hadn’t even heated it up… it was still cold. I pick up a small piece, and… *BOOM!* it exploded in my hand…. Bits and shreds of steak covered my left arm. “Are you kidding me…? This is a cruel joke...."
Tuesday… Today (28-Apr-09):
1. All too eager to check and see if the other empty cubicles had working phone lines, I crawled under another desk…. And as if I hadn’t learned already yesterday… there’s a desk over my head…. *WHAM!!*…. “Ooowwww…. Pain and agony…. Mmm….” The knot is now twice its size.
2. Wondering why my co-worker was limping around, I was so engrossed in her story of how she hurt herself and so concerned with her injury… *SLAM!* (I forgot my knee was still inside the storage closet when I slammed it shut). I dropped to the floor clutching my “bad knee” (the right one… as if cracking my knee cap a few years ago wasn’t enough the first time….).
3. Standing over by Casey’s desk, we were having a small conversation when her phone rang. She answered it in a very silly way… half singing, half screeching… “AMS Deployments….!!” I thought it was absolutely hysterical, so I decided to give it a try. I don’t know how I managed to botch it up, but what came out of my mouth was very disturbing…. “PMS Deployme….n..t….s….. oh my word….” Can you imagine….??? I was mortified.
Welcome to my life…. Never a dull moment. Ever. :)
I am Elizabeth Bennet of Pride & Prejudice! I am intelligent, witty, and tremendously attractive. I have a good head on my shoulders, and oftentimes find myself the lone beacon of reason in a sea of ridiculousness. I take great pleasure in many things. I am proficient in nearly all of them, though I will never own it. Lest I seem too perfect, I have a tendency toward prejudgement that serves me very ill indeed.